Safe

Just like any other Sunday, I awoke to the thought of cycling. The sun was peeking through the cracks in my drapes and beckoning me for a day of sunny skies and great riding. I hopped out of bed, ate a couple bowls of Cinnamon Trackers, and began working on my bike, preparing it for another ride. It was thoroughly covered in dirt and grime from the previous day’s rainy adventure, so I spent the next twenty minutes wiping down the frame, cleaning the rims and brake pads, and airing up the tires. I had washed my cycling kit in the sink the night prior, allowing it to air dry overnight. As it approached 9:30, I could feel God nudging me in that old familiar way.

I knew that I wasn’t going to end up riding that morning.

It is extremely hard for me to turn down a ride, especially with the ample amount of free time that I have in a weekend. I decided that I would attend the morning service at church and try to hear from Him on what He would have me do with my day.

I am still fairly new to the city, having only lived here three and a half months, so I have not found a home church yet. I am currently attending Pathways, which is a large, seeker friendly non-denominational church in Uptown, which is within walking distance from my apartment. I’m not really a fan of the church overall – it’s rehearsed and far from intimate – but I have been able to hear from God a few times during the sermons.

I locked up my bike with a stout cable lock and walked into the archaic sanctuary, searching for an open seat. Gil, the lead pastor, was teaching a series called the Christian Atheist, based on a book by the same title. It was the second part of the series, and it was entitled: “I believe in God…but don’t tick me off.” I had already dismissed the potential for this sermon to truly apply to me since I would not consider myself to be an angry person. Many of my friends can easily attest to that. But as I sat and listened to Gil talk about the potential for Christians to cause significant damage to those around them due to an angry outburst, I began to re-evaluate how this sermon applied to me. I very rarely get angry, and it is even more rare that I yell at someone, but as the sermon came to a close, I realized that I often get angry at myself for mistakes that I’ve made in the past or at circumstances that I am not able to change.

For instance, I was hit by a Jeep while riding my bicycle last November. My bike was totaled, but I was able to leave the hospital with only a concussion. But now, even almost a year later, I am still haunted by the mistake that I made of riding at a high rate of speed through an intersection at night without any lights (or a helmet). Not necessarily because of the loss of my bike or because of the experience, but because of the fact that I am now facing thousands of dollars of medical bills as a result. The hardest part for me is that I wasn’t even seriously injured. I didn’t even break a single bone (though I should have at least cracked a few ribs), but the medics in the emergency room strongly suggested that I get a CT scan (I might have internal bleeding, they said.) I agreed to have the procedure done, simply to be safe. I later learned that my insurance covered very little of the accident, and I was soon faced with over $11,000 in medical bills, including the ambulance ride, ER visit, and CT scan. And this is all a result of one decision I made that lasted less than a second on one cold November night.

Today, I am struggling with a collections agency that has begun to increase my monthly payments. I actually ignored the bills for some time because I couldn’t handle the stress (which obviously didn’t help the situation), but I began making small payments of $30, simply because it was what I could afford and it would satisfy the collection agency, at least for a time. I spoke to the agent who is in charge of my file a few days ago, and found out that I will no longer be able to make small payments – starting next month, they will require me to make a monthly payment of at least $100. My stomach dropped when the agent explained that to me. I make very little money at my current job at a non-profit, working with homeless and at-risk youth (I actually made the same amount of money working part-time at a fast food restaurant in college), so I was understandably worried about being able to make payments. (My college loans of about $18,500 will come due starting in December as well.)

As Gil continued to speak, I began to realize that I have not yet forgiven myself for that mistake. It’s a mistake that I will have to deal with for many years and will cost me a significant amount of money, not to mention loads of unnecessary stress.

“You need to realize that you’re not in charge of the universe,” Gil said with somewhat of a smirk on his face. “It’s quite nice, actually, that you don’t have to worry about that. That’s God’s job. You need to learn to let go and trust in Him to handle that.”

It seemed like such a simple statement, but it really made an impact on me. I always assumed that I never really struggled with anger or resentment, but when God turned that idea around and pointed it straight at me, I began to realize just how much of a burden it has been in my life. I have been living in a restrained and unforgiving state because of my own mistakes, and though I have been able to forgive myself for a lot of them, making that stupid decision late one night in November has left me completely furious at myself for quite some time.

I’ve also come to realize that cycling has become almost an addiction for me. It has always been my escape from the worries and stress of the world, but lately it has come to the point that I have been using cycling to prevent myself from having to face a lot of decisions that I have been needing to own up to. Any time I would get overly stressed about something, I would simply load up my bike and get out on an open road, far from the worries that haunted me.

God has been pulling me back, away from cycling, to simply sit and listen, alone with Him and my thoughts. I have been angry at the situation that I’ve been trying to deal with. I already make very little money, and now I’m having to pay more and more to this collection agency as my credit score plummets. I often simply complain about my situation to others, but I don’t always take steps to resolve the issue, causing the problem to become worse. God is pushing me to face my own anger and regret in light of His continual redemption. No matter what happens in this life, He will always continue to provide, even when it doesn’t make any sense to me.

One passage of scripture that has stuck with me throughout the summer is Psalm 139. God has been continually pulling me back to this Psalm, and each time I read and reflect on it, He shows me something different.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

 and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word in on my tongue,

behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.

You hem me in, behind and before,

and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

 it is high; I cannot attain it.

Where shall I go from your Spirit?

Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!

If I take the wings of the morning

and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,

even there you hand shall lead me,

and your right hand shall hold me.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,

and the light about me the night,”

even the darkness is not dark to you;

the night is bright as the day,

for darkness is as light with you.

For you formed my inward parts

you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

my soul knows it very well.

My frame was not hidden from you,

when I was being made in secret,

intricately woven in the depths of the earth.

Your eyes saw my unformed substance;

in your book were written, every one of them,

the days that were formed for me,

when as yet there were none of them.

…

Search me, O God, and know my heart!

Try me and know my thoughts!

And see if there be any grievous way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting!” –Psalm 139:1-16, 23-24

He knows everything about me. He knows the days of my past and the days that I still have yet to experience. He holds me in the palm of His hand and will continue to lead me if I allow Him to. He will provide for me without relent. It’s time that I stop living as if He doesn’t exist, and begin to trust Him fully with every aspect of my life.