Need

I write this blog for myself more than anything. Many times I sit down with the intent to create a story or personal testimony that will affect someone else in a positive or convicting way. I like to turn mundane occurrences into experiential life lessons. But it seems that, more often than not, these stories refuse to fit the mold I try to shape them into. More often than not, these stories are written for me, and for me only. It seems that whatever I write evolves into a story tailored to fit me and my personal struggles. The problem with this, however, is that it often leads to very real feelings of conviction. Sometimes I read back through my previous blog entries and find myself wondering why I acted the way I did in those situations. Sometimes I approve of my past actions, and other times I am utterly ashamed or angry that I have ever done such a thing. This entry is about the latter feelings of remorse and helplessness.

I am a sinner.

I am broken beyond repair, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Sometimes this scares me. I don’t know how to handle it. I slip up in my walk and I vow to never do it again. I fall into darkness and promise to never visit it again. I turn away from His love just after I’ve told Him that I’m His and His alone. Why He still loves me I’ll never know.

I am a control freak.

I can never seem to leave well enough alone. I have to do everything myself – if I want it done right, I have to do it. I’ve lived with this self-destructive mentality for my entire life. I’m a perfectionist to a degree, and it can often get in my way. I always have to make sure that everything is done to my specifications; otherwise I get irritated. I don’t trust anyone else to do it; I especially don’t trust anyone to do it right.

I have pride issues.

So I have to do everything myself. Everything has to be done right and the way I want it. So what? I have a sense of pride in what I do, and I don’t want to leave something associated with my name up to someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing – they’ll screw it up. I also tend to think that I am better than other people or that I can do something better than someone else. If you know me at all, you have likely heard me brag about my cycling achievements: how far I’ve biked, how many bikes I’ve built from scratch, the latest new piece of equipment that I’ve purchased. Be honest: you’re sick of it.

I need affirmation.

But hear me out: the reason I do all of this is because I want to win your approval. I want you to think that I’m a better person than I really am. I have convinced many people that I am one of the most sincere and caring people that exists on this planet. I can sell a lie better than I realize. I want you to believe that I am worth something. I want you to know that I have achieved things, and these are the things that prove my worth. You wouldn’t love me if you didn’t know how much I have achieved in my short life.

I am stubborn.

So what if I like to hear a compliment or two? It’s good for you. It lifts the sprits and puts a spring in your step. Problem is, I continue to strive for these little compliments throughout the day. Actually, I push for the bigger, harder-to-obtain compliments. That’s why I never fail to mention that I am full-time student who works two jobs and volunteers for three different positions: two at the church and one at a local homeless shelter. I mentor high school kids, lead in the worship band, and feed the homeless. I’m a good person, and I want you to agree. I don’t make mistakes and I don’t sin. I’m the perfect Christian and I want you to admire me. I’m not average, I’m not a failure, and I don’t ask for forgiveness because I don’t need to.

But, truth be told, I am not perfect.

I am not anything near perfect. I make mistakes on a nearly constant basis every second of every day. I sin far too often and I almost never ask for forgiveness. I’ve broken peoples’ hearts and have left emotional scars too deep to ever truly heal. I live in the shadow of regret and am constantly haunted by the mistakes and sins of my past. I continue to fail personally in many areas, and I continue to beat myself up over it, thinking that if I feel bad enough about it I’ll change. I’m convinced that I just need to exert more effort next time – then I won’t make the same mistake again.

But do you notice a very clear theme? This is all centered on yours truly. Me. “I” can do better next time, “I” feel horrible about it, “I” am just a sinner and I’m expected to make mistakes every now and then. This self-centered thinking is what got me into this mess in the first place. “I” am fully capable of turning away from temptation on my own. “I” have a strong enough willpower to resist the evil one. After we have committed a sin, we tend to feel sorry about it, beat ourselves up over it, and attempt to do something to make up for it. In other words, “repentance” becomes more about us than about anything or anyone else. We simply want to rid ourselves of our guilt, make things right, and move on. But it doesn’t really work this way. This pattern of remorse and resolution – or feeling bad for what you’ve done and then promising to never do it again – is fatally flawed.

First of all, we think far too highly of ourselves. We don’t realize the depth and magnitude of our sin and brokenness. We tend to believe that sin is a behavior, not a condition. We are somehow constantly surprised when we commit a sin. We can’t believe that we would do such a thing, since we believe that we are inherently such good people. Second, we think we have the power to change ourselves. We believe that we possess the strength needed to overcome the temptations presented to us by the evil one. This perception of ourselves manifests itself in how we treat others as well. We think so highly of ourselves that we look down on anyone who has committed a sin with disapproval. We continually regard ourselves as better than others.

But according to the gospel, true repentance:

           

Is oriented toward God, not me. Psalm 31:4

            Is motivated by true Godly sorrow and not just selfish regret. 2 Corinthians 7:10

            Is concerned with the heart, not just with external actions. Psalm 51:10

            Looks to Jesus for deliverance from the penalty and power of sin. Acts 3:19-20

We need to realize that it is in our nature to be sinful. We really are sinners in every way. Then we need to repent by crying out to Him that we are nothing without Him and that He is our only way out. We need to be quick to admit our sins and mistakes without burying them or hiding them, and we need to stop believing that we, on our own power, can stop this sinful behavior. Once we truly understand that we are helpless without His strength, we will more readily run to Him to rescue us from ourselves.

Sin is a condition, not a behavior. We are utterly sinful by nature, and there is nothing that we can do about it. We will continually sin if we attempt to revert to this cycle on our own without asking for His power. Because of this, repentance should not simply be a one-time occurrence, or happen only when you feel extremely guilty; repentance should be a lifestyle and a continual habit, because we are continually missing the mark.

I recently worked on this in a Bible study called The Gospel Grid that I used to attend through Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ), and it really shifted my view of repentance. I constantly think of how independent I am and how much I don’t need other people’s help. It seems more like a human perception that just a perception that I hold, so I know I’m not alone. I have always understood that I can only overcome my own desires by asking for His strength, but I rarely trust Him enough to actually give Him full control. So I fail again and again because I rely on my own weak and insufficient human strength to fight temptation. I’ve realized that I struggle with control, pride, seeking affirmation, and stubbornness, and I’ve also come to realize that all of these issues significantly affect my ability or desire to seek repentance. Repentance involves admitting that I’ve made a mistake and that I cannot do things on my own. It means that I need to admit that I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, apart from Him. Though I feel like I’ve known this for quite some time, I don’t think the concept has ever truly hit me until about a week ago.

In order to seek true, Godly repentance, try this:

            1. Acknowledge that you have sinned against God.

            2. Confess forms of false repentance and selfish regret (remorse, resolution, etc.)

3. Discern and repent of the underlying heart motivations that drive you to this sin (ie: I’m a sinner anyways, so it’s not a big deal if I slip up every now and then)

4. Receive God’s forgiveness by faith.

5. Rely upon God’s power to turn away from sin.

Step five is always the hardest for me. We continually seem to think that we can do everything on our own, even fight powers of darkness. Trust me, it doesn’t work. Surrender your pride and give Him your heart to let Him change it for the better.